I don't want to sound pompous but I think I can almost call myself an expert on narcissism. I'm not a psychologist or psychiatrist but I've had the benefit of seeing things that these esteemed fellows have never seen. I've lived with one. I've had to deal with one. I have children with one. I've known one and her often bizarre, childlike and yet dangerous behaviour for a long, long time. So long in fact that I now know how she will behave and react in just about every situation. Its take me a long time to crystalise my thoughts on what is the actual driving force behind a narcissist, but it is quite simple really. The behaviours are listed endlessly - grandiosity, entitlement etc. etc., even the possible roots of narcissism are frequently discussed (spoiling upbringing, poor upbringing etc.) but I have never actually seen what is the actual cause of these behaviours being discussed-what is the reason for the grandiosity, entitlement etc. My belief is perfection. They need first of all to believe themselves to be perfect. They also need to believe, in order to feel validated in this belief, that others see them as perfect. Absolutely everything about them is about perfection. This perfection can come of course in a variety of guises and can I believe change quite rapidly over the course of a lifetime. It is an all-consuming need to feel and (in their view) appear perfect at whatever they choose to see as important in their life at that time. For example a dancer could believe herself to be the best dancer. If she then has children she would then divert her perfection quest into becoming the best parent. Or at least believing herself (and believing that others view her)to be the perfect parent. She will still view herself as having been the best dancer, but now parenting is so much more important.
All of us want to do the best at what we do. All of us need to think good things about ourselves. The narcissist however takes this to the nth degree. I believe that everything else that springs forth from the narcissist is a direct result of this constant need to believe in their own perfection and to feel that this is being mirrored back to them by friends, acquaintences, family-in fact just about everyone they come into contact with.
The reason living with one is such a traumatic, mind-bending experience is that you see the flaws behind the mask, the secrets behind closed doors, this is inevitable after a period, even allowing for the narcissist's fear of anyone getting too close. You then become a threat to their image (both self image and other image) and must be firstly disarmed and at some stage abandoned. The reason living with one is so destructive to one's self-esteem is that the narcissist quite happily makes herself feel better by bringing you down. Their reasons for doing this are twofold. First there is the simple reason that by diminishing you they feel superior, The second reason is in many ways far more destructive. By diminishing you they effectively invalidate your feelings, opinions and views on them. In other words, you have started seeing some of the flaws in them. They become aware of this at some level. They must diminish your standing, destroy you if necessary in order to reduce the value of your opininion of them. This is universal behaviour with narcissists. After a period of close contact with anyone we start seeing slight problems or even defects with their behaviour. If we love them we can accommodate these. This is intolerable for the narcissist however. Whether it be pointing out to them that their behaviour is less than perfect or, horror of horrors, telling others of their behaviour, your threat must be nullified. To a true narcissist this much more important than making the relationship work. You are expendable. Their self-image is ALL that matters.
You will not change a narcissist, it is an excercise in futility. They will never hear you or understand your views unless it adds to their image.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Sunday, March 6, 2011
TTBH2
The last couple of months were unbearable. Everything and I mean everything I did was totally wrong. It was becoming obvious that she not only saw her life going in a different direction but that she actually despised me. Being truthful I did realise just how dislikeable I found her by this stage but I suppose I was still clinging to the belief that she would change (I genuinely never really understood her antipathy) and a reluctance to abandon the relationship because of all the effort I'd put in, emotionally, physically and financially, plus of course she had my daughter and I knew almost by instinct just how difficult she would make it for me to have any type of relationship with her. Anyway huge row, she told me to go, I went. If I'd been allowed a bit of time to adjust I think all would have been sorted annd settled within a year, but she couldn't. I began getting daily visits at work during the course of which I was blamed for everything, criticised incessantly, and during the course of which she made it 100% clear that all her concerns were financial. I effectively did not exist except as a means for her to maintain her lifestyle. I'd know this for years of course but at least during that time we'd been a sort of pretend couple, now she wanted the same arrangement but without even the pretence. Years earlier I had hoped I was wrong. I wasn't. The pain of realising that I'd betrayed myself by remaining with her, betrayed my family and now introduced a beautiful little girl into the world only to have her taken under the wing of this monster was too much for me to bear. And then she told me she was pregnant. I simply wasn't equipped to handle all this and I eventually folded.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Time to be honest
With myself really. Based on the fact that I presume no-one else is ever actually going to read any of this!
What happened to me six years or so ago?
In the old days I suppose it would have been called a nervous breakdown. Apparently that's a term no longer used, but that's what it was.
During my relationship with Jackie I can now see that I was in a gradual spiral. Downwards. Yes it was abusive. But that's not all because I certainly played my part in it. I became almost obsessed with her, or at least obsessed with making my relationship with her work. I suppose this is a roundabout way of saying that I was terrified of being abandoned, yet again. As a result of this almost primal fear I tried to be everything I thought she wanted. A lot of my theories of what she wanted was based on her anecdotal version of "what she didn't like about Dave" (Husband No 1.) I therefore tried to be what he wasn't which was a big mistake. I lost myself along the way somewhere. Lost who I was, my humour, my good nature, my sympathetic nature, my looking at the bigger picture, all those little qualities that good or bad had made me into the person I had always been. Instead I was now this strange person I barely recognised. And guess what? It didn't work anyway! I can look back now and remember my increasing desperation, exasperation, helplessness and anxiety that it was all going wrong. My feelings of never quite being good enough, or to be more accurate, perfect enough. I never could be of course, and nor should I have tried to be. I lost me in there somewhere and the irony of the whole thing was that all her stories of what she disliked about Dave were untrue anyway. They were simply her justification for wanting out from him and in honesty none of them really stood up to examination. Real reasons unknown. The harder I tried to be the opposite of him the more she seemed to dislike me as well, the more she wanted to humiliate me, put me down, exclude me. The insanity of it all is in the fact that I never found her that appealing to start with. Not my type in looks. Not my type in personality. Not my type in just about any way at all. Yet I decided at some stage to try and "make it work." Big mistake of course with huge consequences down the line not just for me but for everyone involved including her children, my children, everyone really. I won't at this stage go into the nature of a relationship with her beyond saying IT WILL NOT WORK. But still I tried, I accepted, I acquiesced, I tolerated, I turned the other cheek, I ended up feeling I was nothing more than a doormat, constantly and overtly seeking her approval and acceptance. I don't mean this i a trivial way, by the end I was almost begging her to tell me how to behave, how to dress, how to dance. Whenever we went out I asked her if I'd been OK. It was actually pathetic. I can't really blame her for having no respect for me as by the end I had none for myself. It had to end in tears and when the truth gradually began to filter from my unconsious mind to the conscious it was obviously doomed. Still I tried to keep the truth at bay, if only I tried harder if only I explained how I felt if only she would understand. All futile as she is simply not equipped for the job. Six months before the inevitable my anxiety levels peeked and my depression deepened. Those six months were the worst of my life And my breakdown was under way. probably irreversible at this stage. I had so much at stake in the realtionship. Admittedly only in my own mind and admittedly alone in the importance I attached to it. And it was going to end. What the fuck could I do? I veered from anger at her to intense self-reproach to anger at me. She on the other hand was obviously simply on a mission.
What happened to me six years or so ago?
In the old days I suppose it would have been called a nervous breakdown. Apparently that's a term no longer used, but that's what it was.
During my relationship with Jackie I can now see that I was in a gradual spiral. Downwards. Yes it was abusive. But that's not all because I certainly played my part in it. I became almost obsessed with her, or at least obsessed with making my relationship with her work. I suppose this is a roundabout way of saying that I was terrified of being abandoned, yet again. As a result of this almost primal fear I tried to be everything I thought she wanted. A lot of my theories of what she wanted was based on her anecdotal version of "what she didn't like about Dave" (Husband No 1.) I therefore tried to be what he wasn't which was a big mistake. I lost myself along the way somewhere. Lost who I was, my humour, my good nature, my sympathetic nature, my looking at the bigger picture, all those little qualities that good or bad had made me into the person I had always been. Instead I was now this strange person I barely recognised. And guess what? It didn't work anyway! I can look back now and remember my increasing desperation, exasperation, helplessness and anxiety that it was all going wrong. My feelings of never quite being good enough, or to be more accurate, perfect enough. I never could be of course, and nor should I have tried to be. I lost me in there somewhere and the irony of the whole thing was that all her stories of what she disliked about Dave were untrue anyway. They were simply her justification for wanting out from him and in honesty none of them really stood up to examination. Real reasons unknown. The harder I tried to be the opposite of him the more she seemed to dislike me as well, the more she wanted to humiliate me, put me down, exclude me. The insanity of it all is in the fact that I never found her that appealing to start with. Not my type in looks. Not my type in personality. Not my type in just about any way at all. Yet I decided at some stage to try and "make it work." Big mistake of course with huge consequences down the line not just for me but for everyone involved including her children, my children, everyone really. I won't at this stage go into the nature of a relationship with her beyond saying IT WILL NOT WORK. But still I tried, I accepted, I acquiesced, I tolerated, I turned the other cheek, I ended up feeling I was nothing more than a doormat, constantly and overtly seeking her approval and acceptance. I don't mean this i a trivial way, by the end I was almost begging her to tell me how to behave, how to dress, how to dance. Whenever we went out I asked her if I'd been OK. It was actually pathetic. I can't really blame her for having no respect for me as by the end I had none for myself. It had to end in tears and when the truth gradually began to filter from my unconsious mind to the conscious it was obviously doomed. Still I tried to keep the truth at bay, if only I tried harder if only I explained how I felt if only she would understand. All futile as she is simply not equipped for the job. Six months before the inevitable my anxiety levels peeked and my depression deepened. Those six months were the worst of my life And my breakdown was under way. probably irreversible at this stage. I had so much at stake in the realtionship. Admittedly only in my own mind and admittedly alone in the importance I attached to it. And it was going to end. What the fuck could I do? I veered from anger at her to intense self-reproach to anger at me. She on the other hand was obviously simply on a mission.
Monday, February 14, 2011
katie price
I suppose its time to admit something-if only to myself. Much as I loathe today's fame and celebrity obsessed culture I find something truly fascinating in the life of Katie Price (jordan.) I have absolutely no idea about celebrities these days. I know very few of their names, don't recognise their faces and generally have no idea what they have done to become famous. Jordan though is different. I knew of her because she was in the papers all the time as a young model with pneumatically enhanced tits. No interest though. I then heard about her fling with Dwight York and the resulting disabled child. Again no interest. Then she appeared on that z list celebrity show about the jungle where she was flirting with someone I'd never heard of called Peter Andre. They later became an item and got married. At this stage I had nno interest and only knew what was impossible to avoid if you picked up a newspaper. One day I almost by accidsent watched a program called Katie and Pete or something similar. She leapt out at me. She was superior, seemed to enjoy belittling him almost constantly and seemed extremely competitive about whatever each of them was putting into the marriage. In their case it seemed to be who was the most famous and who earnt the most money. He in turn seemed to be a nice bloke, maybe fame obsessed, maybe a bit clueless, probably quite shallow, who at times seemed puzzled, frustrated and bewildered over why she was behaving the way she was. Eventually they parted company and then the fun began for all of us. The name calling, the insults, the flagrant "hurt your ex" type tactics, and now I was hooked on the story. She then met some bloke Alex Reid etc etc etc. I read everything I could about her, her relationships, her life. what she was doing, what she was saying. The only other person I had even the slightest bit of interest in was Heather MIlls (married to P McCartney.) I didn't need to have massive amounts of insight to understand why I was so captivated by the two women's behaviours. They had so many similar features that also echoed some of those displayed by Jackie. Not identical by any means, not similar looking, different levels of fame and fortune, different social circles. Nevertheless there were some strange similarities. I struggled with what the actual similarites were, beyond those in common with all humankind and eventually came up with a bit of a check list for behaviours, beliefs, attitudes, phrases, and possible causes, background and thought processes that I at least believe demonstrate levels of narcissism that are way too high to be healthy.
So here they are;-
1) If they say it it becomes reality
2) The principle of least interest
3) Competitive behaviour throughout
4) Need to dominate and control
5) Total absence of any recognisable introspection
6) Frequent projection
7) Need to devalue partner
8) No understanding of the concept of sharing as a couple
9) Oblivious to and sometimes not understanding feelings of other people
10) Need to believe they are perceived as perfect
11) No apparent guilt, remorse or shame
12) No real emotional investment or connection
13) People are disposable
14) Children are tools to be used
15) Dual personalities public versus private
16) No apparent reason for their behaviour, simply a habit
17) Unaware of how ridiculous they can appear at times
18) Need to punish those who do not comply with their wishes
19) Apparent discrepancies in their stories of their upbringing
20) Total disconnection from or absence of any true "connection" with other people
21) Belief they are envied for who they are
22) Supreme self-confidence whatever the reality of their actual abilities
23) Extreme sense of entitlement
24) Their rage is quite disconcerting, even frightening
25) Used to getting their own way
26) Manipulative
27) deceitful
28) Keen to hide the truth about their behaviour, possibly even from themselves.
29) Almost supernatural ability to sniff out other's weaknesses or fears
30) Blitzkrieg approach to arguments when any level of abuse will do
31) Fury at perceived slights from others
32) Blame shifting
33) Spoilt children
34) Simply used to getting their own way
35) Behaviour with Friends appears curiously stilted and unatural
36) Ability to live even thrive in appallingly uncomfortable atmosphere
37) Blaming, never admitting mistakes
38) Inability to apologise
39) Refusal to admit or recognise that their behaviour has had adverse consequences
40) Steamroller effect in negotiations
41) "reset button" attitude towards their own behaviour
I have created (sorry-will create)a seperate page for each of these behaviours giving example from my own experience of that behaviour and giving similar examples of those displayed by Jordan.
One of the other things that has fascinated me about the massive publicity that Jordan/Andre/Reaid has generated are the "comments" that follow each story in the on0-line papers, magazines and blogs. What I find absolutely mind-blowing are the number of people (mainly women) who support, encourage, excuse or will not recognise how her behaviour makes her impossible to live with. What troubles me is the possibility that the world is full of people with either similar characteristics or people who are just too stupid to see what is going on here. I mean the "oh but she's a lovely mum" type comments and the "everyone hates her because she's an independent succesful woman" quotes and also the "peter Andre's such a bastard for leaving her" crap.
So here they are;-
1) If they say it it becomes reality
2) The principle of least interest
3) Competitive behaviour throughout
4) Need to dominate and control
5) Total absence of any recognisable introspection
6) Frequent projection
7) Need to devalue partner
8) No understanding of the concept of sharing as a couple
9) Oblivious to and sometimes not understanding feelings of other people
10) Need to believe they are perceived as perfect
11) No apparent guilt, remorse or shame
12) No real emotional investment or connection
13) People are disposable
14) Children are tools to be used
15) Dual personalities public versus private
16) No apparent reason for their behaviour, simply a habit
17) Unaware of how ridiculous they can appear at times
18) Need to punish those who do not comply with their wishes
19) Apparent discrepancies in their stories of their upbringing
20) Total disconnection from or absence of any true "connection" with other people
21) Belief they are envied for who they are
22) Supreme self-confidence whatever the reality of their actual abilities
23) Extreme sense of entitlement
24) Their rage is quite disconcerting, even frightening
25) Used to getting their own way
26) Manipulative
27) deceitful
28) Keen to hide the truth about their behaviour, possibly even from themselves.
29) Almost supernatural ability to sniff out other's weaknesses or fears
30) Blitzkrieg approach to arguments when any level of abuse will do
31) Fury at perceived slights from others
32) Blame shifting
33) Spoilt children
34) Simply used to getting their own way
35) Behaviour with Friends appears curiously stilted and unatural
36) Ability to live even thrive in appallingly uncomfortable atmosphere
37) Blaming, never admitting mistakes
38) Inability to apologise
39) Refusal to admit or recognise that their behaviour has had adverse consequences
40) Steamroller effect in negotiations
41) "reset button" attitude towards their own behaviour
I have created (sorry-will create)a seperate page for each of these behaviours giving example from my own experience of that behaviour and giving similar examples of those displayed by Jordan.
One of the other things that has fascinated me about the massive publicity that Jordan/Andre/Reaid has generated are the "comments" that follow each story in the on0-line papers, magazines and blogs. What I find absolutely mind-blowing are the number of people (mainly women) who support, encourage, excuse or will not recognise how her behaviour makes her impossible to live with. What troubles me is the possibility that the world is full of people with either similar characteristics or people who are just too stupid to see what is going on here. I mean the "oh but she's a lovely mum" type comments and the "everyone hates her because she's an independent succesful woman" quotes and also the "peter Andre's such a bastard for leaving her" crap.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Stevie Nicks
My absolute dream Goddess. Strange,surreal,impossible to understand. Impossible to communicate with.
It was all an act of course and impossible to sustain. By the time of "Tusk" she could only keep the weirdness up with the help of liberal doses of cocaine and horse tranquillisers almost becoming a parody of herself. I suspect that what she was actually worried about was the terror of just being (or at least appearing to be)the same as the rest of us.
Poor Lindsey. I'm a traditionalist and any man who prostates himself and his soul for the love of a woman who is obviously simply incapable of loving anyone else, but especially him, is my number one target for scorn and yet how can you have contempt for a man who loved a unattainable Goddess. Where it all went wrong was that he was too close to her. When people get too close then they start to see the real person, not the act. The must have been a threat to her. What can be weirder than to run away from someone who is perfect for you?
Anyway what is more pathetic than the fact that I can see she was actually a carefully constructed act and I still fantasise about her? Not how she is now. Now she's just another Hollywood former star desperately trying to show that she's put all the "stardom" behind her and has finally found herself amongst the simple things in life. All another act of course. No I want her to go back to being weird, as she was in 1974. I loved her then and I want her to go back to being like she was then, maybe in the hope that I can also go back to how I was then.
Or maybe I just can't cope with real people
It was all an act of course and impossible to sustain. By the time of "Tusk" she could only keep the weirdness up with the help of liberal doses of cocaine and horse tranquillisers almost becoming a parody of herself. I suspect that what she was actually worried about was the terror of just being (or at least appearing to be)the same as the rest of us.
Poor Lindsey. I'm a traditionalist and any man who prostates himself and his soul for the love of a woman who is obviously simply incapable of loving anyone else, but especially him, is my number one target for scorn and yet how can you have contempt for a man who loved a unattainable Goddess. Where it all went wrong was that he was too close to her. When people get too close then they start to see the real person, not the act. The must have been a threat to her. What can be weirder than to run away from someone who is perfect for you?
Anyway what is more pathetic than the fact that I can see she was actually a carefully constructed act and I still fantasise about her? Not how she is now. Now she's just another Hollywood former star desperately trying to show that she's put all the "stardom" behind her and has finally found herself amongst the simple things in life. All another act of course. No I want her to go back to being weird, as she was in 1974. I loved her then and I want her to go back to being like she was then, maybe in the hope that I can also go back to how I was then.
Or maybe I just can't cope with real people
Films for masochists.
Tell me I've led a good life. Tell me I'm a good man. Fucking film. Real loud sobs. However many times I watch it. I wish I could work out why that last scene affects me quite so much.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Aftermath of a toxic relationship
Occasionally, very occasionally something strikes me as being of such importance or relevance to my life that it warrants being recorded. Not as something of significance to anyone else but as an "aide memoire" for myself. This is one of those things, I know it is of importance because as I wrote it I actually had a tear in my eye.
Everyone who has been involved in a true "toxic relationship" will I suspect share certain behaviours. The first is the actual misery and helplesness of being in such a relationship and yet the almost paralysing fear and self-doubt that prevents us from simply leaving, the second is the need, when the relationship does finally and inevitably end, to repeatedly refer to all the incidents that caused so much pain and heartache, to explain the resultant feelings to all and sundry endlessly seeking explanations for the unpleasant incidents whilst searching for others who have been through similar experiences and share those feelings.
This has the unpleasant effect of keeping us locked into the relationship, if not actually physically then certainly emotionally. The world seems to be full of people who have been through dreadful experiences with "loved ones" and yet even though the relationship is over they are simply incapable of "moving on" and reinventing their life in a more healthy fashion. Ironically the "guilty" party (if that's the right term) seem to simply drift into the next relationship with scarcely a backward glance.
I left such a relationship in 2005 (not counting an abortive effort or two to resurrect it) and was left alone floundering around for answers to exactly what had gone wrong for the previous two of three years which had been, quite frankly, dreadful. I am not sure if the internet is a boon or a curse, but I turned to google to check exactly what had happened to me. The thing that kept leaping out of the page at me was a thing called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It matched so much of her behaviour and our relationship. And yet not totally, there were discrepencies, maybe I was wrong, maybe I over-reacted, maybe my memory was playing tricks with me, maybe I just wanted to blame it all on her. I needed to find out more. I spent a few years reading articles, blogs and visiting boards and forums to check if she was a narcissist or not. Years later I was no nearer the truth, maybe she was maybe she wasn't, the net result was more of my life wasted thinking about her, I was still locked into the relationship in a strange way. Eventually I realised that whilst I may be emotionally still tied in I had to at least practically extricate myself from her life. Another two years was spent sorting out finances. contact orders, the joint business etc. As well as the actual time (and money) this all took I was also being exposed even more to her constant lies and demands, her blaming, her bizarre thought processes. They all upset me terribly. Eventually a settlement of sorts was met which enabled me to move home. have regular time with my kids and try to start a new life.
I love my new life. It is not what I wanted a few years ago but I have finally accepted my lot, I am trying to make the most of it, I feel as though I am gradually rehabiliating myself into the world again.. Its been a long, slow, process and its nowhere near over yet but at last I can see that there is a future for me, for my relationship with my kids, I can be "normal" again or maybe for the first time in my life.
And yet I still have thoughts about her, about what happened, about the injustice, the (mutual) anger and expectations. I realise that "no contact" or in my case minimal contact has been my salvation. Its given me a breathing space, it may be cowardly but I had to do it to protect myself because in a way she was right all along - she is stronger than me. If "strength" is what counts. Of course by repeatedly referring to her strengths she was directly referring to my weakness. And she was right. I was weak. Each time she said this to me and I didn't "get off the pot" I became even weaker. At some level she was aware of this, and disturbingly felt the need to keep rubbing my nose in it. This was her actual weakness, where a truly strong person might have encouraged me to be stronger myself she preferred to revel in making me into an underdog and keeping me there. This was NOT my imagination, this was what was actually happening. That was what was actually toxic about me and her, the rest of it evolved from this basic abuse of power.
So why the difficulty with moving on? The term the pseudo-psychologists and relationship experts (agony aunts) use is closure. I read many sites about closure. Most of them of course are aimed at women and advise them to go shopping more, have a makeover etc (such depth!)but hidden in there somewhere they refer to the stages of "grief" that we must go through to obtain this closure thing. They include denial, anger, acceptance and errr... a few others. It seems to me that it is possible in grief, as in child and adult development, to get locked in a certain stage that we simply cannot move on from. The stage we can easily get locked into is ANGER when we have been involved with a toxic person. The first anger we feel is anger at their abuse and often we only become aware that it was abuse after the event, the second anger we feel is at the injustice that the world allowed us to be treated like this, that no-one realises what we went through that no-one believes what it was like. The third anger we feel (and by far the most damaging and long-lasting)is the anger we feel at ourselves for letting it happen. For years after we parted I would get a surge of anger whenever I recalled an incident that humiliated me, hurt me, put me in a no-win situation, belittled me, used me and all the rest. As time has gone by I realise I now feel anger mainly at myself for not doing something about it many many years earlier when I (maybe unconsiously) saw the pattern of our relationship begin to emerge. All the times she put me down, failed to support me, failed to treat me as a human should be treated. I tolerated it. I didn't do what I knew I should do. I didn't stand up for myself. I wasn't a man. When I think of some of the things that happened I almost cringe with embarrassment and shame at simply accepting it.
What do we do with this anger? When we're dealing with a toxic person we "stuff it." Letting go of anger requires a apology. Simple as that. Once we have explained our upset, the ideal partner would recognise the damage to the relationship that has occurred and will apologise providing three conditions are met. Firstly that the anger is not simply the result of a misunderstanding, secondly that the angered party is not being abusive or manipulative themselves and thirdly that they value the relationship enough to put it right. This is where toxic people (and those with personality disorders in particular) cannot function. Firstly they are in general liars and thrive on misunderstandings, secondly they will always view the other party, even if that other party is merely insisting on fair treatment as being abusive themselves (entitlement) and thirdly they do not value any relationship as being above their need to win, to be right and to be perfect.
The logic is simple they will never apologise, barely even acknowledge that we actually had a reason to be upset or in my case that he events even happened! Therefore we cannot forgive no matter how much we may want to, therefore the relationship festers and we cannot get closure and move on. The dislike and resentment therefore continues. The second anger at the world in general not recognising what they have done to us and the sort of person they are we have to accept. The world is not actually that interested. Its like bent politicians-we get angry but that's the way the world is, we accept it because we HAVE to accept it. With these relationships we simply have to hope that he pattern continues with the next person and eventually more and more people will realise what they (the abusive ones) are like. The third anger (which is the most dangerous one) we can resolve. It involves recognising who we have hurt by our actions (or inaction.) Who we have really hurt, or allowed to be hurt is the child within us. In much the same way as I look at my son and daughter and truly realise I would do anything to protect them, to nurture them and to let them know just how loved they are, I realise I should do exactly the same to the little child who is deep inside me and hurting. I let him down. I allowed someone to hurt him possibly mortally. Its him I now apologise to. I'm sorry little Johnnie, truly, truly sorry and I vow never to let anyone hurt you in the same way again.
Everyone who has been involved in a true "toxic relationship" will I suspect share certain behaviours. The first is the actual misery and helplesness of being in such a relationship and yet the almost paralysing fear and self-doubt that prevents us from simply leaving, the second is the need, when the relationship does finally and inevitably end, to repeatedly refer to all the incidents that caused so much pain and heartache, to explain the resultant feelings to all and sundry endlessly seeking explanations for the unpleasant incidents whilst searching for others who have been through similar experiences and share those feelings.
This has the unpleasant effect of keeping us locked into the relationship, if not actually physically then certainly emotionally. The world seems to be full of people who have been through dreadful experiences with "loved ones" and yet even though the relationship is over they are simply incapable of "moving on" and reinventing their life in a more healthy fashion. Ironically the "guilty" party (if that's the right term) seem to simply drift into the next relationship with scarcely a backward glance.
I left such a relationship in 2005 (not counting an abortive effort or two to resurrect it) and was left alone floundering around for answers to exactly what had gone wrong for the previous two of three years which had been, quite frankly, dreadful. I am not sure if the internet is a boon or a curse, but I turned to google to check exactly what had happened to me. The thing that kept leaping out of the page at me was a thing called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It matched so much of her behaviour and our relationship. And yet not totally, there were discrepencies, maybe I was wrong, maybe I over-reacted, maybe my memory was playing tricks with me, maybe I just wanted to blame it all on her. I needed to find out more. I spent a few years reading articles, blogs and visiting boards and forums to check if she was a narcissist or not. Years later I was no nearer the truth, maybe she was maybe she wasn't, the net result was more of my life wasted thinking about her, I was still locked into the relationship in a strange way. Eventually I realised that whilst I may be emotionally still tied in I had to at least practically extricate myself from her life. Another two years was spent sorting out finances. contact orders, the joint business etc. As well as the actual time (and money) this all took I was also being exposed even more to her constant lies and demands, her blaming, her bizarre thought processes. They all upset me terribly. Eventually a settlement of sorts was met which enabled me to move home. have regular time with my kids and try to start a new life.
I love my new life. It is not what I wanted a few years ago but I have finally accepted my lot, I am trying to make the most of it, I feel as though I am gradually rehabiliating myself into the world again.. Its been a long, slow, process and its nowhere near over yet but at last I can see that there is a future for me, for my relationship with my kids, I can be "normal" again or maybe for the first time in my life.
And yet I still have thoughts about her, about what happened, about the injustice, the (mutual) anger and expectations. I realise that "no contact" or in my case minimal contact has been my salvation. Its given me a breathing space, it may be cowardly but I had to do it to protect myself because in a way she was right all along - she is stronger than me. If "strength" is what counts. Of course by repeatedly referring to her strengths she was directly referring to my weakness. And she was right. I was weak. Each time she said this to me and I didn't "get off the pot" I became even weaker. At some level she was aware of this, and disturbingly felt the need to keep rubbing my nose in it. This was her actual weakness, where a truly strong person might have encouraged me to be stronger myself she preferred to revel in making me into an underdog and keeping me there. This was NOT my imagination, this was what was actually happening. That was what was actually toxic about me and her, the rest of it evolved from this basic abuse of power.
So why the difficulty with moving on? The term the pseudo-psychologists and relationship experts (agony aunts) use is closure. I read many sites about closure. Most of them of course are aimed at women and advise them to go shopping more, have a makeover etc (such depth!)but hidden in there somewhere they refer to the stages of "grief" that we must go through to obtain this closure thing. They include denial, anger, acceptance and errr... a few others. It seems to me that it is possible in grief, as in child and adult development, to get locked in a certain stage that we simply cannot move on from. The stage we can easily get locked into is ANGER when we have been involved with a toxic person. The first anger we feel is anger at their abuse and often we only become aware that it was abuse after the event, the second anger we feel is at the injustice that the world allowed us to be treated like this, that no-one realises what we went through that no-one believes what it was like. The third anger we feel (and by far the most damaging and long-lasting)is the anger we feel at ourselves for letting it happen. For years after we parted I would get a surge of anger whenever I recalled an incident that humiliated me, hurt me, put me in a no-win situation, belittled me, used me and all the rest. As time has gone by I realise I now feel anger mainly at myself for not doing something about it many many years earlier when I (maybe unconsiously) saw the pattern of our relationship begin to emerge. All the times she put me down, failed to support me, failed to treat me as a human should be treated. I tolerated it. I didn't do what I knew I should do. I didn't stand up for myself. I wasn't a man. When I think of some of the things that happened I almost cringe with embarrassment and shame at simply accepting it.
What do we do with this anger? When we're dealing with a toxic person we "stuff it." Letting go of anger requires a apology. Simple as that. Once we have explained our upset, the ideal partner would recognise the damage to the relationship that has occurred and will apologise providing three conditions are met. Firstly that the anger is not simply the result of a misunderstanding, secondly that the angered party is not being abusive or manipulative themselves and thirdly that they value the relationship enough to put it right. This is where toxic people (and those with personality disorders in particular) cannot function. Firstly they are in general liars and thrive on misunderstandings, secondly they will always view the other party, even if that other party is merely insisting on fair treatment as being abusive themselves (entitlement) and thirdly they do not value any relationship as being above their need to win, to be right and to be perfect.
The logic is simple they will never apologise, barely even acknowledge that we actually had a reason to be upset or in my case that he events even happened! Therefore we cannot forgive no matter how much we may want to, therefore the relationship festers and we cannot get closure and move on. The dislike and resentment therefore continues. The second anger at the world in general not recognising what they have done to us and the sort of person they are we have to accept. The world is not actually that interested. Its like bent politicians-we get angry but that's the way the world is, we accept it because we HAVE to accept it. With these relationships we simply have to hope that he pattern continues with the next person and eventually more and more people will realise what they (the abusive ones) are like. The third anger (which is the most dangerous one) we can resolve. It involves recognising who we have hurt by our actions (or inaction.) Who we have really hurt, or allowed to be hurt is the child within us. In much the same way as I look at my son and daughter and truly realise I would do anything to protect them, to nurture them and to let them know just how loved they are, I realise I should do exactly the same to the little child who is deep inside me and hurting. I let him down. I allowed someone to hurt him possibly mortally. Its him I now apologise to. I'm sorry little Johnnie, truly, truly sorry and I vow never to let anyone hurt you in the same way again.
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